A selection of celebratory toasts for cultural icons on their birthdays.

FDR

Fellow Americans, it is the 30th of January, a day which will live in whatever the opposite of infamy is—Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s birthday! Long before he was the 32nd president of the United States, FDR was just a humble aristocrat, modestly related to its 26th president. Despite this setback, Franklin managed to carve out a niche for himself in politics, and through good behavior, was promoted from his post as New York State Senator to Governor, and eventually to the presidency. After moving his wife, children, and mistresses into their new home on Pennsylvania Avenue, Roosevelt likely made celebratory love to his mistresses. At the time, the whole country (apart from a few decent pet shops) was suffering the effects of prohibition, which lead to the Tremendous Bore, and subsequently turned into the Great Depression. FDR helped end all that foolishness, let the people get boozed up, and through his creation of the CCC, the AAA, the NIRA, the PCP, the KGB, the BRB, and the Do-Re-Mi, gave them the opportunity to work. Never one to lose momentum, Roosevelt signed the U.S. up for WWII, creating a lovely sense of camaraderie between citizens, and through the magic of wartime economics, making the country a whole bunch of sweet patriotic money. With unemployment nearly vanquished, and the bad guys defeated, America began to pave its streets with gold. Unfortunately, soon after indulging in what the kids call “fourthterm”, FDR passed away. With Roosevelt looking on in spirit, the nation solemnly enjoyed the type of care-free prosperity its leader was accustomed to in his youth. Tonight, as we lay our weary heads to rest, free of fear as he recommended, let us remember the man who (though paralyzed himself), kept America moving, working, fighting, and most importantly, drinking. L’Chaim, Herr President!

Oprah

John Lennon once remarked (allegedly twice, though reports are unconfirmed) that “there is a great woman behind every idiot.” Today, we celebrate the birthday of THE great woman, the woman who is not only behind every idiot, but next to him, in front of him, on his television, and featured in the latest issue of his favorite magazine: Oprah Gail Winfrey. Her rise to omnipresence from her hometown in rural Mississippi is a testament to the power of perseverance, personal charisma, and divine predestination. Most powerful woman in the world, sure—but Oprah is much more than that. She’s a heavenly presence, a celestial being, curating the wisdom of the ages to the working classes in a fashionable and regularly scheduled manner. The mere mention of the name “Oprah” makes us feel safe and informed, hopeful for self-actualization, for a new car, for a better life. Despite not having any biological children of her own, Oprah has managed to rear an entire planet to mature consumerhood. Without “Momma Winfrey’s” approval, we dare not read a book, or listen to an album, or vote for a politician. How much is her care of us worth--$1Million? $10Million? $2.6Billion? Oprah’s positive influence on global civilization is priceless, beyond any sum of money (valued at $2.8 Billion). Tonight, raise of glass of Oprah-endorsed red wine to her highness, her philanthropist extraordinairess, Madam Oprah Winfrey!

Elvis and Stephen Hawking

Elvis Presley and Stephen Hawking

From the bright lights of the Andromeda Galaxy to the even brighter lights of Las Vegas, the universe celebrates the birthdays of two of its most beloved entities, Stephen Hawking and Elvis Presley. Both of these cultural icons were pioneers in their respective fields. Presley, inspired by the traditionally Black genre of rhythm and blues, created a new, exciting sound that made rock & roll palatable for the general public. Hawking, inspired by the traditionally black holes in the fabric of space-time, developed new and exciting ideas that made quantum mechanics palatable for general relativists. Elvis, one of the most seductive and physically attractive men in recorded history, performed with unprecedented energy, and used his pelvic gyrations to inspire a generation to act horizontally. Stephen, one of the most intelligent and physically disabled men in recorded history, wrote about unprecedented cosmic energies, and used his cerebral gyrations to inspire a generation to think vertically.  So today, as we find ourselves still mysteriously existing in this vast multitude of existence, this metaphorical hotel of heartbreak, let us honor these legends. Together, they represent the balance of beauty and brains, the higher and the lower, the yin and  the yang. May we live today, as all days, in passionate harmony. Cheers.

I also write explanations of Jewish holidays for non-Jewish audiences who may not know the whole story.

Passover

Happy Passover! Tonight, Jews all over the world will congregate on Skype, Microsoft Teams, Cisco WebEx, or some other commonly used video conferencing platform, and regale each other with the story of their Exodus from Egypt. For those unfamiliar, it goes something like this:

The Egyptians of the time were a strange people, infamous primarily for being the first (and to this day, only) civilization to want Jews to actually STAY in their country. The Hebrews weren't fond of their socio-economic status, "slave", and were so distraught at the prospect of doing any more manual labor, that they began following the instructions of a bush. The bush communicated primarily with the Pharaoh's accountant - Moses, CPA, who warned his client of an impending series of nuisances that would befall the Egyptians if the Jews weren't allowed to wander aimlessly in the desert for the next four decades. The giant swarms of locusts, fire-hail, and blood-water, etc. was generally ignored, but the plague of sitcom-writers-on-strike nearly drove the Egyptians into an un-entertained spell of collective depression. Eventually, the Jewish god, "God", got fed up with the whole situation, and decided to murder the first born child of the entire region. The Hebrews, after appealing to the ACLU, were granted immunity from the onslaught. While the Egyptians were tending to the casualties, the Jews packed up their belongings, bought some discounted un-leavened bread, and made a beeline toward the Red Sea, eventually arriving in the Promised Land™.

Now, in honor of our ancestors' flight from captivity, we eat the same cheap bread, and pass around a bottle of Manischewitz, grateful to maintain our traditions, and reap the benefits of controlling the international banking industry. Next year in Boca Raton! L'Chaim!